Making it up

Stayed in bed late this morning, which sadly didn’t appear to make much difference to my level of tiredness or my headache. Felt unsettled this morning - today was the first day I hadn’t arranged to go anywhere or do anything, although I had invited b-i-l to bring Princess and Scott over in the afternoon, and he’d said he would. It’s an odd sensation, I’ll forget what is wrong, or more accurately it’ll slip from the front of my mind, and then come crashing back, and right at the moment, that’s usually accompanied by a memory of either the hospital room or the coffin, I think overall I prefer the hospital room somehow.

Anyway, started pottering about doing some tidying up and opened the door to the cellar to take the recycling down and discovered a pond at the bottom of the stairs. Oh dear. Which isn’t quite what I said. So then I found my raincoat and wandered off down town to buy a mop and for a general walk around. Unlike many places, town here is pretty much shut on a Sunday - there was basically Woollies and wilcos open, so it didn’t take all that long to buy a mop. Even in the rain it’s a pleasant walk, and I got back and checked my phone to find a message saying the visitors had set off 20 minutes previously. Sure enough they arrived moments after I did, just as the kettle boiled - b-i-l had brought his sister as well, who was very close to Katrin, and sounds unnervingly like her and K.

Princess had brought a game for on the computer which didn’t turn out to be too successful, and Scott had brought Connect 4 advanced. He then wanted to know if we had any boardgames, and was delighted with Poleconomy, which even in the basic format kept us occupied for the next 2 1/2 hours! Princess and Small wandered off upstairs after a while, and Scott did amuse himself between turns with the Superplexus we’d got Tim for his birthday. This resulted in him missing many of the times who could have charged ppl, which could have been part of why he came fourth out of four of us playing…

It was a pleasant afternoon - b-i-l is just very sad, and we managed a couple of brief conversations in between children wanting his attention. Apparently Princess doesn’t want to go home and he doesn’t want to force her, so isn’t really sure of how to get her into any kind of more normal routine. They are both going back into school tomorrow though, although he’s got to work out when to take them shopping for clothes for Wednesday as they are both attending after all. I’ll have to talk to my two about what they want to wear - anything goes including party dresses as we are having a celebration rather than a funeral.

Oh, and I’d like to ask for recommendations as to what an 11 yob might enjoy in the way of reading. He thought Harry Potter was boring - b-i-l is going to let me know what he’s reading at the moment and I’ve said I’ll help out with suggestions, as that was always his mother’s responsibility. B-i-l (who might as well just be called Bil from now on) is worried that he is going to struggle in that area, and I’ve reassured him he is not alone, and that as of yet, there’s going to be little they can bring up in the way of schoolwork and homework that I won’t be able to help with, so to remember he’s got my phone number and to use it.

Just wondering now if I should ring round the rest of the family just to touch base this evening as I’ve not seen anyone today, and it feels odd. Sent K a text earlier as she’s gone back to work today - they’ve kept her in the office though and I suspect will until after Weds.

I’m dreading Wednesday. No matter how much of a celebration we’re aiming for, it’s still going to be a very difficult day.

The spare coat? One of the things that Princess left behind, including her new PC game. Bil says it’s spare so I don’t need to take it over tonight. Just as well, I really don’t feel like driving, though obviously I would if it were required. Pondering on picking up my course again and getting some studying done, or maybe just reading another book. I owe you a book review post as I read The Spirit Ring last night, but I think I’ll just hang on until I’ve a little more to share.

it was apparent that both staff and children had missed me - not least when several told me so. I had to ask various parents (who know) not to be too kind as that’s when I wobble and cry, and other than that, the morning was fairly straightforward. We watered plants (it’s amazing how long it takes to water plants with 11 small children with a variety of containers), played in the playground until it rained (which really made the whole watering of plants a bit redundant - suspect some of them may have floated away by now!) and pottered through the day. I did alright until lunchtime, but taking a break almost did for me completely and I struggled to get back into the swing of things this afternoon.

Made it through though, dignity pretty much intact, more kind parents at pick up time, two offers of childcare extended for coming evenings and weekend! As I broached the topic of the funeral with Big it appears a childcare offer may be required as she doesn’t want to go - there may be a new girl visiting on Weds next week and she doesn’t want to miss being there. Small, on the other hand, wants to go to find out whether it’s different to grandfather’s!

It is almost bound to be different to grandfather’s. We’re aiming at a celebration rather than a funeral, and another discussion took place tonight about clothing. K (yes, I had two sisters with K as first initial) said she was thinking of going through her wardrobe and finding the brightest thing she owns and teaming it with some black linen trousers - I said I could do that I have a lovely red shirt. Not sure that that was the kind of bright she had in mind…still, if she doesn’t like it, she can always come over and go through my drawers to find something she does approve of. (And knowing her, she probably will either that or buy me something!)

Wonder whether anyone has given the northern relatives the timetable. It’s not quite two years since we buried my cousin, seems bizarre that my mother and her sister have both lost a child so young.

Anyways, I’m back to work tomorrow - it’s a quieter day as there are no elementary, so A can work downstairs with us and we usually get a fair bit done. Think kids are staying off with Tim again as well. That’s if the school is still there - we drove past tonight on the way back from J’s house, and the entrance to the carpark was under water (again).

Princess and Scott quite enjoyed their first day back at school. Scott had his maths homework waived as his teacher felt sorry for him (probably not a wise path to take, Scott is quite capable of taking advantage of any sign of weakness!) and Princess was given a biro for excellent work. This all led on to a discussion of how the montessori school is different - Scott has parts of his homework that are “really for Level 5s” - it appears that once you’ve got your level from your SATs, this then sets what you are asked to do in further years. He was stunned to hear that there are no SATs, no tests, no nothing. My sisters couldn’t grasp what I meant when I said I knew where all the children in my class are - I didn’t mean physically, I meant I know what they’ve all done, what they are doing, what they are interested in, what we might do next with them. I spend a lot of time discussing that sort of thing with A, and next term I’ll take even more of a lead on it.

It’s late, I’m tired. I just want to make sure I jot down some of this as I suspect in a month or so it’s all going to be a blur.

I’ve never had sympathy cards before - guess I should be pleased about that. Today I dropped the kids off and was given two - this was after one of the members of staff made me cry by hugging me over the fence. A took one look as I opened the door and said “you’re not staying” - I had thought that I was pretty together, but I’m not. I sobbed on her shoulder over a cup of tea, then left the kids to it and went off to spend another day with the rest of the family.

Without ready made playmates Princess needed more attention - we had another game of draughts, which I worked very hard at to not obviously throw and keep her interest. Sitting in the sun with a five year old, not such a bad way to spend a morning, though slightly more difficult with the picture of her dead mother next to us smiling on. We saw a pair of butterflies dancing as well, which was very lovely, but complicated rather by J (next sister down from me) saying that ppl who have died come back as butterflies to watch over us. (Aargh, need blogname for sister’s son, um, Scott will do for now.) Scott stared at her in confusion and said, so they’re stars at night and butterflies in the day? Possibly a discussion between various adults would have been a good starting point for that one, especially as later I got to listen to yet another version being explained. I’ve decided to keep well out of this part - my beliefs (or lack thereof) would be far too controversial, so best not to upset anyone by venturing an opinion!

Anyways, helped with various practical housework tasks, and spent the afternoon chatting with mother, who was much better today having seen her own doctor. Can’t remember whether I mentioned that she’d spent the day in hospital on Sunday, suffering from shock that was suspected to be a heart attack, but she was far steadier today, so we got to just chat, reminisce and generally spend time. Also got to see what Scott has done with the programming I showed him yesterday? sunday? (days are merging rather) Basically I downloaded Scratch and demonstrated a very simple script - by this morning he had a bat chasing a cat, though he wasn’t too happy that part of the chase was upside down, so next challenge is how to make it the right way up again.

Picked up kids from school and have come home early as I need to just chill - have got stinking headache. Wanted to actually spend time with offspring, but they wanted to garden and I just want to sit, daresay they’ll come in at some point. I’ve also been sent home with a Sportacus suit that needs some tlc - J doesn’t have needle and thread or I’d have done it there.

Right, must sort out some food - feel rather lightheaded and queasy just now, despite the fact that I did eat at lunchtime.

so I’ve spent most of the day with them. Finding it very tough - I’m not close to my family, which is just one of those things that has happened over the years - and I’m tired. Difficult conversations about funerals and songs, flowers or charities and phonecalls to be made to extended family.

All kids behaved well again, though Princess is beginning to feel it - it was heartbreaking listening to her cry for mummy tonight, but she fell asleep very quickly on her dad’s shoulder after.

Think I need to go get some sleep.

Last night, the phone rang at something past midnight. I ran for it, in the way you do when you know something isn’t right. I might even have said something to that effect as I went. It was my middle sister’s fiancee - he’s a police officer as is she. He said he had bad news, then that there had been an accident and that my baby sister had been found in the bath and taken to the hospital and they’d done everything they could but it wasn’t enough and she’d died.

I said things like No, and oh no, and I can’t get there, we’ve all been drinking (my friend Alison had come over from York for the evening and we’d had a curry and a bottle of wine) and he said I’ll come and get you.

And he did, so I spent a couple of hours at the hospital with the rest of my sisters, and Katrin’s husband, who just kept asking what he was supposed to tell her children. I don’t know. I don’t know what you tell an 11 year old and a 5 year old - apparently the 11 year old knew something had happened as he’d seen Anthony getting her out of the bath, and they both know that she has epilepsy so they’ve seen fits and so on, but I guess he’d be hoping (as you would that it would all be alright).

And my parents are in Turkey on holiday, and can’t get back until 20 past midnight tonight (they are actually due back tomorrow, but Thomas Cook were woken up and are doing everything in their power to move it forward). I spoke to them on the phone and they seemed to be feeling guilty that they weren’t there to look after us. And we agreed that it’s not supposed to be this way.

And I irrationally wanted to twitter last night, to have you all around me virtually if I couldn’t have you in person, but it was 1 o’clock in the morning and most sane ppl were probably asleep, or at the very least not sitting with their mobile phones or by their puters. And I couldn’t think what you could put in 140 characters to cover this situation either.

Today we will be going to next sister down’s house - her husband picked up the kids last night and took them there - they were asleep when Anthony left the hospital. We got back (Ali went with me - she’s known Katrin since she was 4) some time around 3 and I’ve had a couple of hours sleep - Tim’s still sleeping. I’ve told my children this morning - they cried for a minute, and I expect they’ll cry more later when they see other ppl crying, there are going to be a lot of tears shed today. And my body is reacting by rejecting everything, so in the middle of it all I have to keep running to the toilet.

It really isn’t supposed to be like this.